Mom,
I waited until after seeing my sisters and attending your memorial to write this in hopes that I would get some sort of closure. I didn’t. If anything, the past week has made me angrier. I don’t understand any of this.
As I grew up with a different family, I always hoped that maybe you’d find your way. I believed in you for a little while, we all did. We hoped you were stronger than your addiction and would see what it was doing to not only you but your family. But as the years dragged on it didn’t seem to get any better. If anything it got worse. You kept losing your daughters, you were losing your mom and sisters, and your physical and mental health was deteriorating. Many people lost the hope that we had for you. You didn’t seem to want to get any better. You kept choosing alcohol and drugs over your own family. I’ll never understand that. In at least one point of all of our lives we needed you. But you were selfish and kept hurting not only yourself but everyone around you.
About a month after my 19th birthday I took a trip to Kansas to see my sisters and you for the first time in about 13 years. I was nervous, not necessarily because I was meeting you but because of the last thing I had said to you. It was years ago. We were arguing on the phone and you told me how you regretted me and were glad I had been taken away from you. You said you didn’t love me. So in return I told you I hated you and that when the time comes I wouldn’t go to your funeral. I never thought I’d hear from or see you again. Then the time came to face you and I was as ready as I could be. I got there and you hid. You went to your neighbors house so that you wouldn’t have to face me. We found you and you finally came out. You came down off the porch and hugged me and wouldn’t let go. You apologized and took credit for your wrongs. You told me you loved me repeatedly. It was hard to believe you but I decided to. I forgave you and was done holding that huge grudge against you because it was only hurting myself.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I got a message from one of my sisters saying you were in the hospital and things didn’t look good. You had been in and out of the hospital “dying” for as long as I can remember. So yes I was sad but we all thought you’d walk out of there again. You didn’t. On the phone with your hospital they said if you stayed on life support you’d have to live in a facility and you’d only be a shell of the woman you once were. So your daughters had to decide what was best. The following morning on November 30th, 2016 they took you off life support. That night at 8:08pm you passed. When I got the text I was in shock. I’d been waiting for it all day but nothing can prepare you for that.
Then it came time to plan your funeral and a trip to Kansas. I watched not only my big sisters cry but my baby sisters and your grandson. My heart completely broke. No child should have to go through that. Why couldn’t you stop? Why wouldn’t you get the help that so many people offered you?
My sisters and I joked around a lot the past few days and tried to make the best of the situation. We tried not to glorify you or lie and say what a great person you were because that wouldn’t be right. Instead we talked about your mistakes and how we all learned and continue to learn from them. We talked about the qualities that we all got from you. I’d never met someone that I could relate to so much, then I sat and talked with my sisters and I felt like I was talking to 5 other versions of myself. We all have awful trust and commitment issues. We have a hard time letting people in because we’re afraid they’ll hurt us or leave just like everyone else. Nobody should have to live like that. But sadly we do.
Its been hard the past few days. But we all have done our best to stay strong. I hope to see you again one day pain free and happy. No matter what has happened you are my mother and gave life to me. For that I thank you.
keep climbing 