Making you proud

Your birthday is coming up next week. This is the first year I’ve acknowledged your birthday, its so sad. You would be turning 48.

   The holidays were pretty rough this year. I didn’t think it would be hard for me considering we haven’t had a Christmas together in years. But it still made me sad. Imagining Hunter, Keighyn, Tiffinie, Jaye, and Caidyn spending Christmas knowing you’re not here anymore breaks my heart. But I know you were watching over us throughout all of this.
    You’d be so proud of the women we’re all turning into. We all had our issues and our failures but we’ve all bounced back and started new. I wish you were able to do that too. I wish you could see us all now.

Tiffinie is fighting to hard to stay clean and start over. You should see how hard she is working for her baby girl. She has help this time around from all of her sisters and Aunts. We’re not giving up on her like some of us did you.

Megun has become such an amazing wife and mom. I think she watched the decisions you made and realized that wasn’t the type of mother she wanted to be. The compassion in her voice when she talks about her little family warms my heart.

Jaye is the glue holding this family together. Without her, who knows how our relationships with each other would be. Having her own family and a job isn’t enough for her, she has to make sure that all of her sisters are okay and that we all know how much she loves us.

Ryan continues to astound me in everything she does. Between being an awesome single mother, just graduating college not too long ago and already having a job, I believe there is nothing she can’t do. Not to mention she is always there to be your shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold- literally.

As for me I’m just working, looking into starting cosmetology school. I’ve been on my own for two years and just moved in with my soulmate and our 3 little fur babies.

Hunter is SO strong. I don’t know how she does it. All that she’s been through yet shes finishing school and moving to college next year to begin her life. She’s so smart and so talented.

Sidnee is beautiful. I can’t wait to finally meet her one day. She’s smart and seems well grounded. She’s also so lucky she has always has had Meg by her side.

Keighyn continues to make my heart grow. The love she has for Hunter is a love like no other. Seeing the two of them grieve together was so sad yet so powerful. She’s going to grow up strong just like the rest of us.

RIP Mom ♡

Mom,

   I waited until after seeing my sisters and attending your memorial to write this in hopes that I would get some sort of closure. I didn’t. If anything, the past week has made me angrier. I don’t understand any of this.

   As I grew up with a different family, I always hoped that maybe you’d find your way. I believed in you for a little while, we all did. We hoped you were stronger than your addiction and would see what it was doing to not only you but your family. But as the years dragged on it didn’t seem to get any better. If anything it got worse. You kept losing your daughters, you were losing your mom and sisters, and your physical and mental health was deteriorating. Many people lost the hope that we had for you. You didn’t seem to want to get any better. You kept choosing alcohol and drugs over your own family. I’ll never understand that. In at least one point of all of our lives we needed you. But you were selfish and kept hurting not only yourself but everyone around you. 

   About a month after my 19th birthday I took a trip to Kansas to see my sisters and you for the first time in about 13 years. I was nervous, not necessarily because I was meeting you but because of the last thing I had said to you. It was years ago. We were arguing on the phone and you told me how you regretted me and were glad I had been taken away from you. You said you didn’t love me. So in return I told you I hated you and that when the time comes I wouldn’t go to your funeral. I never thought I’d hear from or see you again. Then the time came to face you and I was as ready as I could be. I got there and you hid. You went to your neighbors house so that you wouldn’t have to face me. We found you and you finally came out. You came down off the porch and hugged me and wouldn’t let go. You apologized and took credit for your wrongs. You told me you loved me repeatedly. It was hard to believe you but I decided to. I forgave you and was done holding that huge grudge against you because it was only hurting myself.

   Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I got a message from one of my sisters saying you were in the hospital and things didn’t look good. You had been in and out of the hospital “dying” for as long as I can remember. So yes I was sad but we all thought you’d walk out of there again. You didn’t. On the phone with your hospital they said if you stayed on life support you’d have to live in a facility and you’d only be a shell of the woman you once were. So your daughters had to decide what was best. The following morning on November 30th, 2016 they took you off life support. That night at 8:08pm you passed. When I got the text I was in shock. I’d been waiting for it all day but nothing can prepare you for that. 

   Then it came time to plan your funeral and a trip to Kansas. I watched not only my big sisters cry but my baby sisters and your grandson. My heart completely broke. No child should have to go through that. Why couldn’t you stop? Why wouldn’t you get the help that so many people offered you? 

   My sisters and I joked around a lot the past few days and tried to make the best of the situation. We tried not to glorify you or lie and say what a great person you were because that wouldn’t be right. Instead we talked about your mistakes and how we all learned and continue to learn from them. We talked about the qualities that we all got from you. I’d never met someone that I could relate to so much, then I sat and talked with my sisters and I felt like I was talking to 5 other versions of myself. We all have awful trust and commitment issues. We have a hard time letting people in because we’re afraid they’ll hurt us or leave just like everyone else. Nobody should have to live like that. But sadly we do. 

   Its been hard the past few days. But we all have done our best to stay strong. I hope to see you again one day pain free and happy. No matter what has happened you are my mother and gave life to me. For that I thank you.