Making you proud

Your birthday is coming up next week. This is the first year I’ve acknowledged your birthday, its so sad. You would be turning 48.

   The holidays were pretty rough this year. I didn’t think it would be hard for me considering we haven’t had a Christmas together in years. But it still made me sad. Imagining Hunter, Keighyn, Tiffinie, Jaye, and Caidyn spending Christmas knowing you’re not here anymore breaks my heart. But I know you were watching over us throughout all of this.
    You’d be so proud of the women we’re all turning into. We all had our issues and our failures but we’ve all bounced back and started new. I wish you were able to do that too. I wish you could see us all now.

Tiffinie is fighting to hard to stay clean and start over. You should see how hard she is working for her baby girl. She has help this time around from all of her sisters and Aunts. We’re not giving up on her like some of us did you.

Megun has become such an amazing wife and mom. I think she watched the decisions you made and realized that wasn’t the type of mother she wanted to be. The compassion in her voice when she talks about her little family warms my heart.

Jaye is the glue holding this family together. Without her, who knows how our relationships with each other would be. Having her own family and a job isn’t enough for her, she has to make sure that all of her sisters are okay and that we all know how much she loves us.

Ryan continues to astound me in everything she does. Between being an awesome single mother, just graduating college not too long ago and already having a job, I believe there is nothing she can’t do. Not to mention she is always there to be your shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold- literally.

As for me I’m just working, looking into starting cosmetology school. I’ve been on my own for two years and just moved in with my soulmate and our 3 little fur babies.

Hunter is SO strong. I don’t know how she does it. All that she’s been through yet shes finishing school and moving to college next year to begin her life. She’s so smart and so talented.

Sidnee is beautiful. I can’t wait to finally meet her one day. She’s smart and seems well grounded. She’s also so lucky she has always has had Meg by her side.

Keighyn continues to make my heart grow. The love she has for Hunter is a love like no other. Seeing the two of them grieve together was so sad yet so powerful. She’s going to grow up strong just like the rest of us.

RIP Mom ♡

Mom,

   I waited until after seeing my sisters and attending your memorial to write this in hopes that I would get some sort of closure. I didn’t. If anything, the past week has made me angrier. I don’t understand any of this.

   As I grew up with a different family, I always hoped that maybe you’d find your way. I believed in you for a little while, we all did. We hoped you were stronger than your addiction and would see what it was doing to not only you but your family. But as the years dragged on it didn’t seem to get any better. If anything it got worse. You kept losing your daughters, you were losing your mom and sisters, and your physical and mental health was deteriorating. Many people lost the hope that we had for you. You didn’t seem to want to get any better. You kept choosing alcohol and drugs over your own family. I’ll never understand that. In at least one point of all of our lives we needed you. But you were selfish and kept hurting not only yourself but everyone around you. 

   About a month after my 19th birthday I took a trip to Kansas to see my sisters and you for the first time in about 13 years. I was nervous, not necessarily because I was meeting you but because of the last thing I had said to you. It was years ago. We were arguing on the phone and you told me how you regretted me and were glad I had been taken away from you. You said you didn’t love me. So in return I told you I hated you and that when the time comes I wouldn’t go to your funeral. I never thought I’d hear from or see you again. Then the time came to face you and I was as ready as I could be. I got there and you hid. You went to your neighbors house so that you wouldn’t have to face me. We found you and you finally came out. You came down off the porch and hugged me and wouldn’t let go. You apologized and took credit for your wrongs. You told me you loved me repeatedly. It was hard to believe you but I decided to. I forgave you and was done holding that huge grudge against you because it was only hurting myself.

   Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I got a message from one of my sisters saying you were in the hospital and things didn’t look good. You had been in and out of the hospital “dying” for as long as I can remember. So yes I was sad but we all thought you’d walk out of there again. You didn’t. On the phone with your hospital they said if you stayed on life support you’d have to live in a facility and you’d only be a shell of the woman you once were. So your daughters had to decide what was best. The following morning on November 30th, 2016 they took you off life support. That night at 8:08pm you passed. When I got the text I was in shock. I’d been waiting for it all day but nothing can prepare you for that. 

   Then it came time to plan your funeral and a trip to Kansas. I watched not only my big sisters cry but my baby sisters and your grandson. My heart completely broke. No child should have to go through that. Why couldn’t you stop? Why wouldn’t you get the help that so many people offered you? 

   My sisters and I joked around a lot the past few days and tried to make the best of the situation. We tried not to glorify you or lie and say what a great person you were because that wouldn’t be right. Instead we talked about your mistakes and how we all learned and continue to learn from them. We talked about the qualities that we all got from you. I’d never met someone that I could relate to so much, then I sat and talked with my sisters and I felt like I was talking to 5 other versions of myself. We all have awful trust and commitment issues. We have a hard time letting people in because we’re afraid they’ll hurt us or leave just like everyone else. Nobody should have to live like that. But sadly we do. 

   Its been hard the past few days. But we all have done our best to stay strong. I hope to see you again one day pain free and happy. No matter what has happened you are my mother and gave life to me. For that I thank you. 

   

Growing Up Without Your Best Friend

hunter and I meeting

hunter

me

Many people grow up with siblings that later in life become their best friends. Growing up, I had many siblings- whether they were half, step, or full siblings- I only became close with a select couple. I was blessed enough to get to see my little sister Hunter when I going into the sixth grade. Even though she lived and Kansas and I from Ohio, after that we became closer than ever. 800 miles had nothing on us. We talked on the phone, skyped a lot, and facebook messaged back and forth. We had become so close that going days without speaking to her became some of the most difficult days of my life. But unfortunately as we grew older, we started losing contact and for that, I am sorry. I blame myself. I was the older sibling and I tried to be there for you as best as I could, but things got difficult for us. We started arguing more and more, letting our family and our pasts get in the way of not only our sisterhood but our friendship. Spending most of our lives apart from each other is definitely one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me. We were super close as children then we were ripped out of each others lives. We became close again and I let personal life choices get in the way. I hope you know I regret not trying harder. I would do absolutely anything for you. Seeing pictures of you with your new family melts my heart. Its so relieving to see you finally have a sincere smile on that pretty face of yours. You deserve it. When my friends see pictures of you and tell me we look like twins, my heart kind of breaks, because there’s no better feeling in the world than being told you look like a role model of yours. Yes, that’s what I said. You my adorable mini-me, are such a role model to me. You have gone through so much, we both have. But you have gone through it most of your life, where as I got out of it fairly early. Yet you have still come out being one of the most loving and amazing people I have ever met. I love you and I sincerely hope that you forgive me for the years we have lost and I can not wait for the years ahead of us, and hopefully we can grow closer than ever.

Another New Year

As 2015 comes to a close I realize how much I have learned this year. This year has by far been one of the most difficult, yet insightful 365 days of my life. In just a single year I have lost who I thought was the love of my life, ended then rekindled my relationship with my family, graduated from high school, started my life on my own, and fallen in love with the most amazing man I have ever gotten the chance to meet.

The beginning of 2015 started off super difficult for me because (in November of 2014) I had just lost the guy who I thought was the love of my life. After this I lost all self respect and self confidence. I was convinced I wasn’t good enough for anybody to love. So I completely closed myself off from everybody. I let myself believe I was worthless and this ended up ruining more than just my self esteem, it ruined my relationships with both my family and my friends. I acted out and blamed everybody else for my problems. I let things get so bad that I actually left my home and my family and didn’t speak with my family for months. I lost so much time that I will never get back because I was so angry at the world. I started making bad decisions and got annoyed when people called me out for them. As far as I was concerned I had every right to act how I was. My love was taken complete advantage of so why would I not have the right to be angry with the world? After almost a year of feeling bad for myself and making excuses for my ex’s actions I finally realized that was no way to live. I started working on my self confidence and finding happiness in things other than boys. I finally learned how to be happy without relying on anybody else.

After graduating high school back in May and having a “rebellious” summer where I was angry at the world, I finally started getting my life together. My friend and I got our own apartment, I started working regularly, and I rekindled most of the relationships with my family. I became closer than ever with my grandmother and I realized how much I need my grandparents and the rest of my family in my life. Along the way of starting my journey as an adult, I unfortunately did lose many friends. I found out who my real friends were while I was struggling and unhappy. They were the ones by my side the whole time and they were the ones telling me that I needed to stop living the way I was. I may only have a few friends now but they are all I will ever need.

After my awful breakup, I completely gave up on the thought of love. I started thinking that there was no such thing as monogamy or being faithful in my generation. I met so many nice guys after my break up but as soon as they started catching feelings I stopped speaking to them. I didn’t want to get my heart broken again but in the process of thinking this way, I hurt so many people and for those that I hurt, I can not say sorry enough. I did to you guys, what I was afraid you would do to me. I am so sorry. Little did I know that one of the guys that I led on and randomly stopped talking to, I would later fall deeply in love with.

Back in April I had been hanging out with two of my friends from high school and one of them invited a friend of theirs. His friend came and I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever met. My friend and him had worked together at the time and that’s how they came to know each other. So me, being the flirt that I can be, went to their work every Thursday for 2 months trying to drop the hint to this guy that I thought he was “kind of” cute. He never caught the hint even though I completely embarrassed myself in front of him once when he tried to start a conversation with me. So I gave up on it. Not long after I had given up, I found Jacob on social media and we finally began speaking. We had planned to hang out a couple times, and I cancelled every time. I ended up doing to him what I did to all the other guys. I randomly stopped talking to him and started talking to someone else. Things didn’t work out with the guy after him either, so Jacob reached out to make sure I was okay. We began talking and I finally decided to go on a date and I fell for him almost immediately. Almost 3 months later, I am more in love than I have ever been with anybody.

I realize I have been through many trials. But I have also realized that each and every trial came with a lesson that I learned so much from. Things may get hard, living on my own and starting my life, but I can not remember the last time I have ever been this happy. So as 2015 comes to a close, I want to remind everybody that everything your going through happens for a reason and you will come out so much stronger. Keep holding on and here’s to another year of struggles, holding on, and growing from every single experience!

 

 

 

 

finding self love

Something most girls, no matter what age, struggle with is self love. Growing up we are faced with many “idols” and “role models”. We grow up telling ourselves “I have to dress this way”, or “I need to look like this”, and I’ll be satisfied and I’ll love myself. We think that if maybe just maybe I had the latest fashion, or did my makeup perfectly, or made the popular guy fall for me then I’d feel fulfillment. And maybe this does make it for some girls. Maybe all of those things do make some girls love themselves. But I know it didn’t work for me and I know it doesn’t for many other girls. No matter how many clothes I had or how many guys I dated or how much makeup I wore, I still struggled to love myself. I was either not skinny enough or didn’t have perfect skin or didn’t have a boyfriend. As soon as I got all of that and made it all happen I realized something… I still wasn’t happy. I still didn’t feel good enough for anyone. Then I realized after I lost someone that I loved with all my heart that it was just that. I didn’t feel good enough for anyone else. I spent so much time trying to please others and not enough time doing the things that I really loved. It wasn’t until this that I realized I wasn’t living for myself. I was living for others. I finally dug deep and started dressing how I wanted, doing my makeup (or not) however I wanted. I started listening to music that I loved and acting how I wanted to act. Some of the things I do, some of the things I wear, and sometimes how I act are out of the norm and that’s okay. Because I have never been happier. And I have never been so content with being me. I finally love myself and I want to tell every girl out there, that finding self love is the best thing to ever happen to me. So instead of following the social norms or looking for love and approval in someone else, dig down deep and be you. Because I promise you will love all that you become.

Its okay

You left her and she was so lost for so long. Truthfully she still is. When you left you took whoever she was with you, she lost herself completely. Her grades dropped, she lost contact with her friends, her family relationships became so damaged because she was physically there but not emotionally. She started drinking a lot… A little too much. It became so painful she drank alone in her room on school nights. She started smoking, it helped her anxiety when she started thinking about you, she never really stopped thinking about you. She stopped eating, she would throw up whatever she tried to eat. She would come home from school and try to sleep but lie awake, crying, thinking of you. Thinking about what she did to make you stop loving her. You still have never told her. She started sleeping with boys that meant nothing to her. She had never done that before. She got too used to it too fast. None of them meant anything to her. Not like you did. When you left, you took whoever she was with you. Looking back at it now, I’m thankful that you did. Because the girl I was didn’t love herself. She needed you to feel loved. Now, almost 10 months later, you’re gone and haven’t tried talking to her but thats okay. Its okay that you left because she has learned to love herself and be happy without depending on anyone else. She’s finally okay that you left and I hope for her sake you never come back because all the work she’s done to put herself back together would be pointless because no matter what you did to her she would still choose you.

hello 2015

Goodbye 2014,

A year of first;

First longterm relationship.
First heart wrenching breakup.
First concert.
First Red, White, & Boom.

And a year of many lasts;

Last first day of school.
Last “carefree” birthday.
Last highschool homecoming.
Last highschool exams.

Hello 2015,

Hello graduation.
Hello college.
Hello moving on.
Hello healing.
Hello being a younglife leader.

Good and bad things happen, just never regret anything. Everything happens for a reason and everything is a learning experience. Have a great night and a great 2015!

The Gift of a Friend

I feel like a lot of the time people take for granted the people we have in our lives. We don’t truly appreciate those around us. So this is for the friends that I have that I am oh so thankful for. If you’re lucky you will find someone and right away know that they will be in your life forever. I have met four people that I know will be with me until the day I die. I don’t tell you guys enough how much I love you and appreciate you guys. Carly, Emma, Ilana, and Ana… You guys will forever be in my heart. I appreciate everything you all have done for me and I’m so excited to live life loving you guys. So here’s to so many more adventures with the four of you. Thank you for loving me and being wonderful friends.

Sorry for the appreciation post but they deserve to be shown off to the world because they’re great!

Mistake(s)

Mistakes.
We all make them. Looking back at our mistakes is so hard because we know we cannot go back and change them. We cannot go back in the past once something horrible happens and change our decision. You’re stuck. You let your mistakes eat at you until you can barely breathe. Knowing that life was supposed to be different. It could have been different. You didn’t have to end up like this. You could have made another choice and things could have worked in your favor. But because of that one tiny mistake, your life takes a toll. Because of that one choice, everything else is effected by it. Like dominoes. And it sucks, because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. No rewinding the clock. No changing it. You are stuck because of one wrong decision. A lot of the time you may be able to fix it. Not change it, but fix it. There are some mistakes, though, that you will never be able to fix. It will forever pain your heart. It will make you lose your sanity. When you are going to make a decision, think long and hard about it. Because whether you choose to believe it or not, it will have an everlasting effect on your life.

He Is The Light That Leads Us Home

Recently I have felt very distant from the Lord. My Younglife leader helped me realize that these are the times we need to reach out to Him even more; these are the times we need to pray and ask Him for guidance.

For those of you who do not know me on a personal level, I have had an ongoing struggle throughout my life in believing someone that I cannot see. It used to be hard to believe such a great higher power would let everything that I have gone through, well, happen. I have struggled to accept that Jesus is all man and all God. I recently came to know Christ two years ago and it has been the best thing to ever happen to me. This does not mean my life is in order nor very enjoyable all the time. This does not mean all my prayers and every wish are granted. This does mean I have a friend. A friend that will listen to me whenever I need Him and make decisions to my prayers that may not be what I wanted but is what is in my best interest.

To know that the God of the universe is not only my Father but my friend makes me oh so joyful. I get to talk to him whenever I want. He’s seen me at my worst and at my very best. You will never find a better friend.

As I was saying I’ve felt very distanced from Him the past few weeks – but what is so great about this is that I have noticed how lost I have been without Him. Life is much greater when we rejoice in the Lord.

So I want to note that when you feel like you have gone astray or maybe you are questioning your faith, go to HIM about it. You can go to your friends about it, I actually recommend that, but it is not the same, fulfilling feeling you get when you speak to Him. You can go to alcohol and try to drink away the pain you’re feeling, guess what, that’s not everlasting. You can go to a boyfriend/girlfriend but they will never love you as much as our Savior does. Go to Him. This is the man who raised a man from the dead. This is the man who stood up for an adulteress who was about to get stoned to death. This is the man who had dinner with with a man that we would consider “a bigger sinner than us”. You have 24/7 access to this man. He is your father, He is your friend.

Run to Him, don’t be afraid.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”     Joshua 1:9